Sonic and Co Play Cards against Humanity
by On A Happier Note
Summary: Eggman's new plan against Sonic? Use a card game to have his friends insult him, themselves and pretty much everything in their universe!
1. Assemble! The players enter the field

**It's when you think you're being original for once in your life but you're late for the party and looking up your idea got a couple other fanfics, videos, cards and even a Steam mod…Originality in a fandom this large is more difficult than I thought...** **I didn't look at them so hopefully I bring something new to the table!**

 **This first chapter is more going to be context-building with no card games but hopefully an enjoyable read nevertheless!**

* * *

One lovely sunny afternoon, Eggman was sitting in his newest evil lair _not_ enjoying the company of his faithful lackeys Orbot and Cubot.

"Aw C'mon boss, just because you lost again like every other time you've faced Sonic so far, doesn't mean you'll lose next time."

"Yeah!" Orbot added, "It just gives you a very high probability of losing!"

"Gah! You mechanical monkeys!" He shouted throwing a wrench at the pair, "You always know the wrong thing to say at the wrong time…"

"Well…" Orbot explained, "There is this card game we play with the other sentient badniks which is full of insults! Nearly every round ends with a busted 'bot or two…"

"Oh really…" Eggman stroked his moustache in thought, a card game which leads to violence, loss of morale and insult matches? He could weaponise this…

"Hmmm… If I tweak this game to suit Sonic and his sidekicks, I'll have them at each other's throats in seconds!"

"Y'know Orbot, the violence might just be because the others don't have a programmed sense of humour."

"Don't tell boss that! He seems so happy with his new plan. I myself am curious to see how this scheme will end…"

Using the internet and his IQ 300 sense of humour, Eggman created what he thought was the perfect weapon; a personalised Cards against Humanity deck just for his nemesis. He was tempted to name it Crimes against Sonic but it might seem too suspicious. He packaged it and left a card saying the deck was from his avid fan base. The blue bottlebrush wouldn't suspect a thing! He then popped it in the post the next day and awaited the carnage it would bring.

* * *

A few weeks later… (Eggman really doesn't know how to post something like a normal human being).

Sonic and Tails were having a wonderful vacation on Angel Island. Eggman had been surprisingly quiet lately and they had both flown over to relax and hang out with their reclusive friend who guards a rock for a living.

"Yo Knux! Can you pass me another chilidog?"

"Do I look like your personal servant?"

"Yep! Now chop chop!"

Sonic himself was lazily lounging on some grass near the Master Emerald shrine, cloud gazing alongside his best buddy who was building some contraption.

"Sonic, you know how short-tempered Knuckles can be," Tails warned him, "Purposely riling him up is a bad idea. We are his guests after all."

Sonic then got up and stretched. "Relax lil' bro, he's all bark and no bite! Like one of those Chihuahuas or-"

Knuckles then chose this moment to throw a chilidog at Sonic so hard it got skewered on one of the spines on his head.

"How about like a 'chilli-dog'?" Knuckles inquired with an innocent smile gracing his face.

"Yeah har-de-har-har," Sonic retorted, attempting vainly to remove his snack from his hairstyle. Tails, his ever-loyal and sympathetic best friend just snickered at Sonic then after receiving an indignant look, removed the offending object.

Sonic seemed to appreciate the joke more when he wasn't wearing it. "Well, fast-food for a fast guy, I guess I can't complain."

"I don't remember you asking for extra cheese with that."

"Nah just comes with the package."

Sonic and Knuckles both went and sat near Tails who had been making a small functioning trebuchet from nearby vegetation for the past hour. "I've just adjusted the projectile pouch to release the payload at the highest point of the arm's swing! Time for a test run!" Tails then loaded a fist-sized rock into the pouch, set a firing pin attached to a rope, backed away a little bit before launching the rock. At the same time Amy came out of the foliage and into the firing line.

"Again thank you so much for the ride over-"

"Amy! Watch out!" Tails shouted. Amy looked up in time to see the rock flying towards her, drop the box she was holding, summon her hammer and return it to sender.

Well not really. It just hit Sonic in the head.

"Why me…" Sonic groaned from his newly-acquired position on the ground. Amy rushed over to his aid.

"Oh Sonic my darling are you okay? Do you want me to kiss it better?"

"N-no Amy, I might just lay here until there's only one of you…"

Shadow and Rouge then appeared from the foliage and walked over to the group.

"It's nice to see Faker at my feet where he belongs," Shadow stated.

"What he really means is it's nice to see you guys again," Rouge corrected, smirking at her mission partner.

"Sure."

"Wait a second," Knuckles marched over to the three new arrivals "What brings you lot to my island?"

"Gees, definitely not the hospitality," Rouge then sauntered over to the Echidna and lightly flicked his nose "Lighten up Knuckie, we just came to keep you company. The Master Emerald isn't the only thing that brings me here you know." It was unknown if Knuckles' increased redness was blushing or fuming.

"We are here as Rouge's latest criminal endeavours have inflamed our public relations with Central City enough that the GUN commander has ordered us to lay low until it all blows over," Shadow admitted while sending Rouge an annoyed glare.

"And nothing says 'laying low' like crashing at a friend's place!" Rouge exclaimed as she pulled both Shadow and Knuckles into side hugs. Sonic, finally recovered, stood up and joined the conversation "How'd Amy get here though?"

"I had heard about your holiday to Angel Island and thought Amy might like to come along, she also brought a package which had arrived at your house after you two left."

"Oh yeah I forgot!" Amy quickly retrieved the box from where she'd dropped it earlier and handed it to Sonic. "Special delivery Amy Rose style! Hopefully it wasn't fragile…" Tails peaked over the top of the package,

"Strange, I don't remember ordering anything recently and we do a good job of keeping our address unknown to the general public." He then spotted the attached card and proceeded to read it.

"To Sonic, hero of the people, saviour of many planets and dimensions, blah blah blah,

As a token of our gratitude, we members of the sonic fan club have made you a personalised game to play with your friends. Thank you for all you do,

Your #1 fans."

"There are a number of things wrong with this message," Knuckles asserted, "Like Sonic _so_ doesn't have a fan club."

"Hey!"

"And how would they know he's saved other dimensions?" Shadow pointed out.

"Well-"

"And especially, what type of number one fans wouldn't leave their names on the gift?" Amy added.

"In other words…" Rouge started.

"It's a trap." Knuckles concluded.

Sonic took the words 'trap' as a cue to open said gift.

"Cards against Humanity: Sonic Edition?" He read, turning over the box to examine it. He wasn't usually one for card or board games but this one had caught his interest.

"Oh this will be entertaining…" Rouge assured. A seasoned party-goer such as herself had stumbled across this game plenty of times in the past.

"You've played this Rouge?" Tails asked.

"I have played the normal version. And definitely more times than I'd like to admit. It's pretty simple; everyone gets 10 white cards at the beginning, each of which has a word or phrase on it. Each round one player is the 'card czar', who picks a black card which has a question or fill-the-blank on it. Everyone else plays the white card they think will be funniest, darkest, most truthful, whatever and the czar chooses the white card they thought was funniest and that person wins that round. Rinse and repeat and you guys will have a great time!"

"You're not playing?" Knuckles queried.

"I'll leave this game to you novices; I'll just watch the roast without being in the fire thank you very much."

"I will not subject myself to this nonsense." Shadow had not signed up for chummy bonding games.

"This'll be good for you partner! Wouldn't Maria have wanted you to immerse yourself in Earth's culture? It's just a harmless bit of fun!" Rouge battered her eyelashes at him while leaning on her shoulder. While she had played the Maria card, which was low, she had a valid point.

"Fine…"

"Yeah! You know what they say, the more the merrier!" Sonic chanted.

"Say something like that again, and I'll send you on a high diving adventure off this rock."

As the group sat down at the shrine to play, Sonic chose a position opposite Shadow.

* * *

If I get even one reviewer on this fanfic, which card do you think you best answer this?

The next real-world issue to be joked about on the Sonic Boom show is _.

Walking into a glass door.

Rabies.

Spending way too long in the Chao garden.

Basic human decency.

Or submit your own, gotta love me some creativity!


	2. Let the games begin!

Ok, wow. I was impressed by the sheer amount of visitors I got with only the first chapter but four reviews! Sweet! :D I was so excited and had some time on my hands so I wrote the next chapter to give a taste of what's to come. I have plenty of black and white cards in the works but it does take a while to write out the story. So don't expect the next chapter until around the end of September. But thank you so much for the support so far!

As for the question last chapter, Basic human decency was the winner of my answers and out of reviewer submissions 'The return of… Chris' from Solitude was my favourite. Honestly though, even joking about that is scary…

One more thing before we get into the chapter, the black card and white cards' text will be in **bold** when they come up in the story just so you guys can easily see them and compare answers.

Let the Games Begin!

* * *

The group of friends sat in a circle on the steps of the Master Emerald shrine with Rouge spectating from a step above. Knuckles supplied some chips and soft drink just to go with the party atmosphere. Everyone was dealt 10 cards and Sonic was elected the first czar as his name was on the box.

"Okay…" He mused, picking the first black card. "It says: **What is the secret to Tails' flight?** "

Tails' ears drooped. "Oh no…" he groaned, looking at his cards, the answers to this were going to be interesting. And almost certainly embarrassing.

There was a moment of deliberation before the others started handing Sonic their cards which he shuffled briefly before reading them aloud.

"What is the Secret to Tails' flight? **Growing a pair.** "

Knuckles had chosen this inopportune moment to take a sip of his drink and performed a perfect spit-take into the side of Sonic's head. Then he and everyone else burst in laughter.

"Aw gross Knux!" Sonic complained while spin-dashing, raining droplets of soft drink on everyone else.

"I don't get it. I thought that answer fits pretty well!" Tails exclaimed indignantly.

"Tails buddy," Sonic explained still smirking from the answer, "I don't think that card means what you think it means."

"What does it mean Sonic?" Amy stared at him curiously.

"Uh never mind moving on to the next answer. **Dark and mysterious forces beyond our control**." Tails grinned at him innocently. "…I could believe that."

"Next up… **Lots of scary lightning**! Oh wow that one is perfect! It never fails to make him jump, I can vouch for that!"

"Sonic!"

"Lastly, **Sugar madness**. That's surprisingly accurate too." Tails then proceeded to slump to the ground in embarrassment. "I'm still going for the lightning one though, that was great!"

"Yes!" Knuckles then took the black card from Sonic as a way of keeping score.

"Who knew, the solitary guardian does have a sense of humour" Rouge pondered, checking her reflection in the Master Emerald.

"Hey! Get down from there!"

"…Or not."

Sonic pulled Knuckles' attention back to the circle to diffuse the situation. "Ok, ok calm down; it's your turn as czar now." After the last round, Sonic had decided that he liked this game.

"Ok fine. The next card is: **What is Sonic's guilty pleasure?** "

Sonic now decided he didn't like this game.

All of them gave Knuckles their cards and Sonic was sorely regretting opening any parcel to do with fans.

Knuckles was going to enjoy this. "Let's see, What is Sonic's guilty pleasure? **Sonic Unleashed E rank music.** "

Tails and Amy laughed hardest at this, the others just enjoyed the fact that Sonic must've got a lot of E ranks.

"I don't know what you're talking about! I've never heard such a track! E ranks are reserved for... For Shadow!"

Sonic was now being glared at so hard that he was worried Shadow would develop ultimate laser eye beams or something.

"Next is… **Building a ladder of chilidogs to the moon.** That sounds like something he would do…"

"Number one if it was that easy, getting to the ARK would've been a cakewalk, and most importantly number two; what a terrible waste of chilidogs."

"Oh this one's good! Sonic's guilty pleasure is **Full frontal nudity.** "

Sonic blushed profusely. "Fur! I have fur! I would never- You see- These things are totally different!"

Knuckles chuckled. "Whatever you say Sonic."

"Hey you can't talk! It's not like you wear pants or anything!"

"Y'know" Rouge piped up, "Amy and I have fur but we still wear clothing. Huh, men these days…"

The anthropomorphic gang sat for a moment to think about this.

Knuckles coughed. "Okay let's change the subject. The last card is… **Catapults**."

"Oh yeah! Guilty as charged! Catapults, warp tubes, cannons, they all spell a fun time!"

"If a fun time is hurtling uncontrollably through the air to certain doom. Yes. Yes it does. All answers were pretty good but I'm going to have to go for the full frontal nudity card. Sonic, you take freedom to a new level."

"Victory!" Tails hopped up and took the black card from Knuckles all the time ignoring the death glare he was receiving from Sonic.

"Of all the people here I didn't expect to be betrayed by my lil' bro! I thought I raised you better" Sonic dramatically wiped a fake tear from his eye.

"Sonic," Tails whined, "It's just a game. Anyway you laughed at all those answers from the last question!"

"Fair enough. Well played I guess. So, who's the next czar?"

"Shadow is up!" Rouge blurted, pushing him forward to collect the card. Shadow looked like he had been elected to sing them a nursery rhyme.

"Fine, I'll do it. This card is missing part of its statement. It says **Knuckles enjoys _ while guarding the Master Emerald**."

Amy was really interested in this one. "Honestly though, there's not much to do up here by yourself, months on end, away from civilisation…"

"I may be the only remaining member, but the Echidnas had a booming civilisation was way ahead of its time! Our home literally floats!"

Tails partially disagreed with this. "I'm not counting magic as technological advancement. Have you seen some of the feats Eggman has achieved using technology with chaos emerald power? It's on a completely different magnitude!"

Sonic just had to input his two cents too. "Also, an island of a bunch of air heads achieved liftoff. Go figure."

As Knuckles chased after him, Sonic added more fuel to the fire "Now the island achieves flight with only one echidna as he is the biggest air head and hot head this side of South Island!"

Knuckles resumed his tale much later after Sonic had received two knuckle-shaped indents into his shoulder. "As for stuff to do, I hone my senses, train the body and mind, explore the zones, gain wisdom from the Master Emerald-"

" _Boring._ Now, let's see what exciting answers everyone chose." Rouge went to sit near Shadow for front a row seat to the action. And Knuckles' stalling tactic had been so successful up until then…

"Let's see…" Shadow drawled, "Knuckles enjoys **laying an egg** while guarding the Master Emerald."

Everyone burst out laughing at this.

"What!?"

"It's plausible" Shadow monotonously conceded.

If the laughing could've increased it just did.

"Shadow that's not even funny…"

"It wasn't supposed to be. From my studies aboard the ARK, echidnas do reproduce by laying eggs."

"The female ones that is!"

"Then a fiery redhead with flowing locks such as yourself shouldn't have a problem," Shadow assured Knuckles, now having trouble hiding a smirk.

Everyone else was having trouble breathing.

"Now, on with the game. Knuckles enjoys **Going around punching animals** while guarding the Master Emerald."

"What? Everyone needs some stress relief."

Amy looked extremely affronted by this.

"Knux you're digging your own grave" Sonic joked, "Though I could easily imagine you doing that."

"Onwards. Knuckles enjoys **Not contributing to society in any meaningful way** while guarding the Master Emerald."

Knuckles looked so enraged Sonic was surprised he didn't explode. Before Knuckles could start a long rant on his important duties as a guardian, Rouge reinserted herself into the fray.

"C'mon rad red, one more answer and we get a new card. Channel that anger into the game," Rouge reasoned.

Knuckles was still contemplating the value of friendship.

"Now, the last card, Knuckles enjoys **Survivor's guilt** while guarding the Master Emerald."

Knuckles blanched at this and the others winced.

While it was interesting to see Knuckles express more emotions than he usually did in a year, Sonic was thinking Knuckles needed a rest from the limelight.

"Alright, alright, harsh guys. Geez. Shadow what's the verdict?"

"Though it was a difficult choice, the laying an egg answer was priceless."

Amy quietly grabbed the black card from Shadow to not garner Knuckles' attention then shared some fist-bumps with the gang.

* * *

Again, if I get any reviewers, alongside normal reviewy things you can decide which answer would be best for the below question.

I went to the desert and ate of the peyote cactus. Turns out my spirit animal is _.

Tails doll, right behind you.

Charmy Bee as the protagonist of The Bee Movie.

The antichrist incarnate.

16 bit Eggman outrunning Sonic.

Or your own amazing original slice of horror! See you next time! :)


	3. Score & Order

I think I wrote the intro into this chapter too long so just skip to the bold if you want to get straight to the card games. It only took me around 500 words… A story about card games, without enough card games! Yu-Gi-Oh would be ashamed.

I have no qualms bringing references from any Sonic game, show, movie, music or item I have encountered; this is a no holds barred beatdown! (Honestly though I like the characters and series).

For last chapter's question, the favourite spirit animal out of my answers was 16 bit Eggman outrunning Sonic and my favourite reviewer-original response was 'A man who is literally flaming gay' from Fagbutt. Thanks for following the story so far people! And remember to keep reviewing; tell me what you like, what I could do better, other answers or in general vent about anything Sonic-related I mention. :D

Hopefully the wait for this was worth it now on to the chapter! XD

* * *

To ease tensions in the group/ give himself a break from everyone, Knuckles formulated a small scavenger hunt around the island. While Tails, Amy and Sonic jumped at the idea, seeing the mundane items on the list like firewood, flint and even grapes, Shadow interpreted this as poorly-disguised unpaid labour. Until Sonic claimed he could collect all the items faster. Now it was a race.

As the others dashed away, Rouge went to join Knuckles where he sat watching the horizon.

"A master treasure hunter such as yourself choosing to not participate in a scavenger hunt? How very unlike you." Knuckles huffed.

"Oh _please_ , I can see all the items in a fifty-metre radius of this place." She scoffed. "Anyway, don't let this game get under your skin. I know you can be a little hot hea- I mean, _ardently volatile,"_ she corrected, seeing his eye twitch from the earlier choice of words. "But you're also resolute and pretty down-to-Earth for a guy who lives in the clouds. To win this game, you must not only be able to dish the dirt, but take it. You don't have to be like Mister Ultimate Poker face but don't punch Sonic to the Doomsday Zone or anything either." She then stood up, flexed her wings and then put her hands on her hips. "Now, I'm gonna win me this scavenger hunt. You think I can take that big green beauty over there as my prize?" she simpered, leaning over him.

He smirked while waving her off. "Heh. Not a chance bat-girl."

"Whatever you say Knuckie." She then leisurely strolled around the shrine collecting everything for the hunt and presented it to Knuckles. Not a moment later Sonic materialised next to her with his items and wearing a monumental amount of grapes on his head like a fruit-hat fashionista.

"Huh wha-"

"Nice try big blue but you snooze you lose!"

Shadow had also arrived at the same time as Sonic "Looks like speed isn't everything," he taunted, holding his 'far superior' items.

"Where on Angel Island did you find a lighter and marshmallows?!"

"On the GUN transporter I arrived here on."

"That's cheating!"

"Only losers complain about technicalities."

"Guys! Guys! I'm sure you're both perfectly capable of collecting sticks," Rouge assured them, "Now let's get this show on the road!"

Amy and Tails then both arrived. Tails had fashioned a rudimentary wheel barrow while Amy had helped fill it with all the items.

"We aren't too late are we?" Amy asked.

"Of course not! I'll just sort through all this stuff and we'll resume play." Sonic then zipped around setting up their camping arrangements for later. Everyone then resumed their places from earlier.

"I hope my humour isn't too sharp for you _Chuckles_ "

"Hedgehog, you're so blunt, you'd need Omochao's help to make a joke!"

"Can we just get started?" Tails interjected.

"Sure thing bud. Who were we up to again?"

"Me! It's my turn!" Tails announced excitedly, grabbing a new black card. "And this one says: **Sonic's the name, _ is my game!** "

"What on Earth did I do to deserve fans like this?" Sonic nagged, collapsing to the ground in defeat. All these Sonic-centric cards were unravelling him.

"Hey that's unfair Sonic! This is one of your signature lines! These guys must be your most loving, loyal fans," defended Tails with a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Lies and slander and you know it." Sonic huffed but otherwise relaxed.

"By the odd chance, are any of you going to answer 'speed'?" he proposed sweetly.

All the others smiled wickedly back at Sonic in response. Knuckles' looked positively vengeful. Sonic's smile took on a marginally more forced look. "No, I guess not." Everyone handed their cards in, Sonic trying to find a card which didn't roast himself. "Well, let's get this over with…"

"As you wish! First up; Sonic's the name, **Whining like a little bitch** is my game!"

"Hey!"

"This statement truly captures your essence faker." Shadow taunted with an almost imperceptible smile.

Tails had to agree. "Honestly Sonic, in your early heroics if you stayed still for even three minutes you'd abort the mission."

"That's 'cause waiting is boring! Do you know how long three minutes feels to me?" Sonic whined.

"With that attitude I don't know how you stand sleeping." Rouge teased.

"You're not a very good role model are you?" Knuckles snickered.

"I never claimed to be a good role model, or even a hero! I'm just a cool dude with a 'tude, a fighter for freedom and a hedgehog that loves adventure. I'm Sonic the Hedgehog™!" Sonic had stood during this tirade and now towered dramatically over everyone in a pose straight out of an action movie. Everyone was sickened from the blatant narcissism and cheesiness.

Tails grabbed Sonic's hand exasperatedly and pulled him back to the ground and hopefully some semblance of reality. "Uhh! Moving on… Sonic's the name, **Drowning in a puddle** is my game!"

A solid round of laughter ensued. Knuckles recounted a great story of when Sonic _thought_ he was drowning in an actual puddle.

"Your shoddy swimming ability brings shame on all hedgehog kind."

"Awww Shadow you don't mean it." Sonic then received a very pointed look exuding 'I so mean it' vibes. "Ok maybe you do, but regardless, I've saved the world plenty of times from Eggman, Metal Sonic, Chaos himself, Dark Gaia-"

"Fun fact: approximately 71% of the Earth's surface is covered in water."

Sonic shuddered at that. "That is not a fun fact. And your point _is_?"

"I now pronounce you Sonic the Hedgehog; hero of 29% of the Earth," Shadow proclaimed with a mocking bow.

"I can run over water; I beat it at its own game!"

This argument had the ability to last hours. "Can we get on with the game now?" Rouge complained, "You guys can have fun resolving your differences like gentlemen later." With a bit of mumbling, both hedgehogs quietened down and everyone's attention shifted back to Tails.

"Next up; Sonic's the name, **Bounce pads** is my game!" Sonic scored a 10/10 eye roll from Tails. "I wonder which card was yours Sonic…" Sonic grinned in reply. Tails let out a long sigh but kept going "The final card is Sonic's the name, **Methamphetamines** is my game!" This answer earned a few snorts around the circle.

"Oh one of you just had to go there…" Sonic muttered, massaging his temples, "Not that kind of 'speed'! Let it be known that I maintain these dashing good looks and supersonic speeds naturally! No performance-enhancing drugs, artificial colours and flavours here!"

"Since we know from previous answers that Sonic enjoys going _au naturel_ , why don't you give up those harmful processed foods like chilidogs?" Knuckles suggested.

"Don't go there Knux. Chilidogs are non-negotiables."

The group took a small break in which Sonic ate a chilidog out of spite and then thought about last round's answers. "Amy which card was yours? All those answers were mean to me!"

Amy blushed in embarrassment then stuck her nose up "Well I'm not telling! I don't have to and I won't!"

"Relax Sonic, everyone is just trying to be funny," Tails defended, "The insulting part is just a by-product of this."

"Sure Tails…Honestly, I'm not sure if I should be letting you play this. The swearing, inappropriate themes… A responsible _role model_ wouldn't for sure."

"But Amy can play!"

"Amy is not my kid brother."

"Well it's a great thing we established earlier how you're not a perfect role model and that's why we love you." Tails was sucking up to him so obviously but Sonic couldn't say no to his pleading expression.

"Fine you can play… Don't make me regret this."

"Is that code for 'go easy on me'?" Rouge inquired.

"No guarantees!" Tails laughed, happily resuming sorting through his cards.

"I could tell you which card was mine for a kiss?" Amy offered, pointing to her cheek and winking mischievously.

"…On second thought I'll pass."

"Well, after minimal deliberation I choose this card. It's just too fitting to pass up." Tails laughed, holding up the 'Whining like a little bitch' card. Sonic suck his tongue out at him.

"About time." Shadow took the card from Tails.

"Seriously dude," Sonic chided, "What took you so long to win one round? Even Amy and Tails won rounds before you!"

There was a collective "Hey!" from Amy and Tails.

"You should leave comedy to me; you're way out of your league."

"Humph, my humour is just beyond your mere mortal comprehension."

"Yeah keep telling yourself that."

To end the first lap around the circle, it was finally Amy's turn to be the card czar.

"Okie dookie everyone! The next card says; **_+_=_.** I think three cards are required for this one."

"Wow! A card that doesn't inherently insult any of us!"

"Oh I'll make do…" Shadow added sinisterly.

"That's… Good to know." Amy looked worried for everyone's sake. This was just a friendly, good-humoured card game right? Everyone took a while longer to choose and order their cards and then handed them to Amy. "Ok the first equation is; **Dying in the opening cut scene + Another cheap knockoff of the Chaos emeralds = The brighter, more colourful yet dumbed-down version of the original.** "

"Someone honestly thought this one out well…"

Sonic looked deep in thought. "I never really noticed the similarities with the magical items I always collect to save the day… Chaos emeralds, World rings, Chaos crystals, time stones, Sol emeralds… Always seven Deus ex Machina-inducing objects. Huh."

"Dying in the opening cutscene though; that's a sure-fire way to lose coolness and cred. What a terrible way to start a story…" Knuckles critiqued.

"Onto the next card, **Shadow removing his manly inhibitor bangles + An M16 assault rifle = Fear itself**."

Sonic burst out laughing at this but everyone else read Shadow's expression and chose the smarter option of silence. As he laughed, Sonic received an elegantly-executed roundhouse kick to the head. Shadow than gave everyone a challenging look before returning to his spot.

"Ow… Why is it always the head?"

Rouge looked sympathetic. "Well if you don't use it hon, its damage is of no loss." Sonic was rather affronted from that. So much for sympathy… Rouge continued on. "Honestly Shaddie; you wear more jewellery than me, and I'm a jewel thief!"

"These are not _accessories_ , these 'gold rings' are inhibitors that limit the Chaos energy I use in combat. A necessity so I don't accidentally obliterate my enemies."

"Sure thing gramps," Sonic rebutted, "But with the power you boast of, why did you even bother using guns?" Shadow surprisingly looked shifty at this question and busied himself adjusting his gloves.

"Humans seem to understand the threat of a gun more than that of the Ultimate Lifeform for some reason. A misjudgement on their behalf of great consequence."

"…Or it might just be because you're like half their height?" An angry blast from Shadow's air shoes was heard before both hedgehogs started an impromptu chase around the island.

"Don't tell Shadow this, but I fail to see why a human scientist would create an 'Ultimate Lifeform' in the shape of a hedgehog." Tails reasoned.

"Easy. He was an accident. When two interplanetary mad scientists love each other very much…" Knuckles mused.

"You get a rocket-skating, forever-stoic, alien-hybrid hedgehog. Obviously." Rouge finished. Both rivals arrived back simultaneously, showing signs of a light scuffle and returned to their places opposite each other, sneaking spiteful glances over their cards.

"Sonic you're in the next one! It says **Sonic + Friendly fire = Some god-damn peace and quiet**. Oh no! Not my Sonic!" Amy then hugged him before he could scoot away. Everyone laughed at the cards and Sonic getting hugged so profusely his head might blow off.

"Why is everyone fine with laughing at my expense but not Shadows!?" Sonic choked out while fighting off Amy's surprisingly strong grip.

"Because the best you'll do is pout at us?"

"Do you even remember our early history Knuckles? Or did I beat you up too hard?"

"I remember dropping you through many platforms and trapdoors. I have them scattered all around this island. Even on this very shrine…"

Sonic was quiet for a bit after this statement.

"Aha! This one looks good! **Chaos! The God of Destruction! + Civilian casualties = All's well that ends well right?** " Everyone laughed, instantly remembering one of Tails' not-so-great moments.

"Hey quit it! You guys were all just standing there awkwardly, I had to say something!"

Amy was the first to criticise this. "Tails! A giant water monster terrorised the city, destroyed homes, and displaced people. Some most likely died! That was by no definition a happy ending! To top it all off, my favourite mall was destroyed!"

"Priorities Amy…"

"Not that you guys have this problem, but do you know how hard it is to find stylish clothing in my size in human stores? It makes collecting the Chaos emeralds look like our scavenger hunt." Amy tilted her head to the side as she stared at the white cards. "Hmmm… I pick… The last one! Tails, you really know how to ruin a scene."

"Score one for the blue blur!" he exclaimed, swiping the card from Amy and holding it up like a trophy. Everyone let him have his moment before he sat back down to resume play.

"Well the game has finally gone full circle now. It's my turn as czar again!" While Sonic was still excited to play this game, he felt like a seasoned veteran, weary of the hidden horrors within. He idly shuffled the remaining black cards then picked one out to read. His eyes narrowed and lips pursed. He wondered if he could spare himself future rounds of torment by shuffling the cards fast enough they would spontaneously combust.

"Spill Sonic!" the others urged. They were certain they were safe from insult by Sonic's reaction. He sighed.

"It says; **Sonic Sez 'Play it safe, use _. Don't end up dead.'** "

"Awww! Wittle Sonic was such a hip role model! Where'd you go so wrong…" While Knuckles had tried pinching Sonic's cheek, his glove engulfed half of Sonic's face. Said hedgehog looked far from impressed.

"I know I learnt many important lessons from that show." Shadow stated. It was hard to know if he was serious or employing his usual level of snark.

"With friends like these…"

"You don't want to be insulting your friends Sonic!"

"Because…"

"That's no good!" They said in unison, mimicking Sonic's voice from so many years ago. Sonic was wondering if he really had achieved the good future using the Time Stones. He also wondered if he could use them to erase all his public appearances in his early years.

"Class-A humour guys." Sonic replied, his right ear twitching in irritation. The group's white cards were handed to him and while he braced himself for some embarrassment, it was hard not to laugh at a good joke. "Let's see… Sonic Sez 'Play it safe, use **Jet's voice**. Don't end up dead.'"

"No don't do that! Anyone would want you dead within a minute!" Tails joked.

"Whaddaya mean Tails? This is by far the best strategy for success! We Babylon Rogues are the coolest and fastest in the sky with our _superior_ extreme gear!" Sonic said all this in the scratchy, constantly-breaking voice of everyone's favourite hawk.

"That guy sounded and acted like he was perpetually stuck in puberty." Knuckles grumbled, rubbing his temples trying to ward off a migraine. "Good riddance." Sonic flung that white card at Knuckles then proceeded to read the next.

"Okay, Sonic Sez 'Play it safe, use **'Gotta go fast' as a medical condition**. Don't end up dead.' Aw c'mon guys, just 'cause I used it that one time-"

"You said that to skip a cute date I'd planned!"

"And that was your excuse when I was going to read to you my assignment on terminal velocity!"

"Well then the excuse hasn't failed me yet! Gotta keep life on the defensive so nothing catches up with me!"

"Next time I get convicted for robbery, I'll use kleptomaniac as my excuse." Rouge smiled. "A hero like you wouldn't be running from anything right?"

Shadow brought up some files on his communicator. "GUN has documented various cases of property damage, speed trials, resisting arrest, refusing to stop, public nuisance, escape from custody and even endangering the safety of an aircraft. All from Sonic in one day."

"Shadow most of those were GUN's fault! And don't forget that all began with you robbing a bank!"

"GUN didn't make you rip off part of their helicopter and ride it down busy streets of Central City though did they?"

"Touché Mr. Identity Theft. Moving on, Sonic Sez 'Play it safe, use **Steroids**. Don't end up dead.' Who thought this was a good idea?"

"Apparently that alternate-dimension 'Boom Knuckles' did. He still gives me nightmares" Knuckles shuddered at his memory.

"He is the poster boy of 'Don't do drugs kids.' I think his blood flow was redirected from his brain to his muscles… Lean and mean is more your style rad red." Rouge playfully punched Knuckles shoulder.

"And finally; Sonic Sez 'Play it safe, use **Enough explosions to make Michael Bay proud.** Don't end up dead.'" Everyone found that answer pretty good. "That sounds pretty counter-intuitive." There was a slight pause. "Definitely something I would do. Full marks I chose this one."

"Ha." Shadow laughed dryly, taking the black card from Sonic and displaying how he now has two compared to Sonic's one.

"This party's just getting started! Bring it on Faker!"

Amy was examining the box and running her finger along the embossed lettering. "I know the box says 'Sonic edition' on it, but why aren't there any cards about me? I am your _girlfriend_ after all."

"Amy, it's probably for the best you haven't been mentioned yet. This game is unforgiving of anything within."

"What is the most unforgiving is that I have barely been featured yet. Let's face it; most would only buy and play this pitiful game just for any cameo I make in it."

"The game was named after me not you!"

"Hah. Well it seems that your fans reserved the best joke for the box cover."

* * *

Score Tally so far: Sonic: 1, Knuckles: 1, Shadow: 2, Tails: 1, Amy: 1

Awww sick burn Shadow! As customary, I've got a question for reviewers to answer if you guys want!

What's the first thing that comes to mind when entering a water zone?

Explosive decompression.

Loading from the previous Star Post.

Generally having no idea what's going on.

Screaming like a maniac.

Or come up with your own answer, there are so many things that rush through my mind when that drowning theme starts...


End file.
